Reopening Jurassic Park III

Dinosaur Adventure

A model of the type of dinosaur that played the baddie in Jurassic Park III. Seems like a pattern that this type rounds up the last two movies. In any case, this one looks better than the CGI’d shit they had in that third piece of garbage.

I’ve never been vocal (or textual) about this one. I only bring it up again for the obvious reason that Jurassic World is currently breaking box office numbers and that I didn’t remember Jurassic Park III as well as the others.

It’s the only one I didn’t have a copy of, okay!?

And I kind of have this condition — which only affects others if they’re held against their will — which is to watch every sequel or prequel in a series as long as they exist.

I did it with Hellraiser and I’ve done it with Killjoy, Gingerdead man; I’m coming for you next, so this was the case with these Jurassic Park movies as well.

Yesterday afternoon, I felt the need to get a used copy at a local movie retailer and we never went but it was one of those things that just kept bugging me. I had to relive the movie again.

Finally last night, we get there and right in the front is their Jurassic Park display with that movie in the bunch.

I might not remember the movie very well but I already knew it wasn’t as great as the others but okay. What I’m saying is that it hurts more to spend ten bucks than it does to spend a quarter of that for this thing.

The Review

The theater experience plays every part of the swindle, where you pretty much have to admit that you paid a lot of money for two hours of air conditioning.

On ocassion, you get to see a solid movie to improve it. If I were any dumber than I am now and it was really hot outside and this were in the theaters, they would have sold me on the stereo surround sound to make this better.

What are you gonna do, Hollywood!

You made a movie with a bunch of actors who don’t track anymore and dragged me through a weak film that’s badly paced with a shallow plot.

At least in the second movie there were so many different setups with satisfactory results that I liked those characters a lot more.

We’re supposed to like the kid in this one but we don’t. We’re supposed to care about the parents but we just don’t care and Dr. Grant is such a prick that he’s just not a likeable dude here and yet he tries to redeem himself with the loss of his paleontologist apprentice.

The music was pretty bad too.

I cheated a bit and checked the trivia section of IMDB for this movie to learn:

Michael Crichton worked with the screenwriters several days to brainstorm about a story, but left after some days when he could not come up with a satisfactory idea.

In the end, it looks like something I would write if I weren’t having a good time writing something and just focused on atmosphere, which doesn’t translate at all.

I haven’t read any other reviews about this thing because I want to make sure I’m expressing the same thing people might have expressed then, but in the context of time it’s a bit different.

Even the parody that I wrote for Jurassic World is more engaging than the plot and story of III!

Alright. Welcome to another clever way to pitch my parody Thoracic Hurl. Buy it today!


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